The Truth About Kangaroos

A typical moronic marsupial

This story is dedicated to Vivi who gave me inspiration on a day of blankness.

Kangaroos are dumb. They are one of the stupidest animals ever invented. Have you ever seen a travelling show of performing kangaroos? I don’t think so. The reason is they are too dumb to learn any tricks. Sure they can carry their babies in a cool pouch, which looks rather cute; but not smart. They’re born dumb and I suspect get worse over time. The reality is they are creatures built for survival in harsh conditions. Living in the Australian countryside they run on instinct alone. So for evidence of their stupidity we need only look to the vast number of dead kangaroos by the side of EVERY highway that crosses the great outback. Their favourite trick is to stand by the side of the road around sunset, and for an hour or so afterwards, for the opportunity to jump in front of passing cars.

For the more squeamish people out there who look into their big brown eyes and can’t bear the thought of hurting one, remember this; they want to die. We are only helping them achieve their goals. When you approach with high beams on and loud music resonating on the soundsystem they wait patiently for the right moment. That moment is when you are less than ten metres away and cannot possibly react, or, if you do, you will roll your car and possibly die. At that moment the kangaroo will leap happily into your pathway with a clear desire to die. Even travelling at just sixty kilometres an hour, this will ensure a fatal encounter with a moronic marsupial. Perhaps life is so hard for them that they desire a quick end, perhaps they just want to try and make you roll the car to even out the death toll. One hundred thousand kangaroos and then one or two people meeting their fate might make it feel better for them. Maybe it’s a game for the boys,
“Hey, jump in front of this one and if you live you’ll be legend!”
I’ve spent far too long considering these possibilities and, anthropomorphism aside, there is only one reasonable explanation; kangaroos are unfeasibly stupid.

Further evidence is the number of times you will actually pass the moron marsupial and it will determinedly leap into the side of your car. The only two cars I’ve ever owned both sported a small dent caused by this little trick. In some ways this one bothers me more, because you think you’ve managed to avoid killing them, only to hear that loud thump behind you. You just have to hope it’s hitting the side of the car, because if a good sized one goes under the wheel of your average car, you stand a good chance of meeting a tree by the side of the road on a fairly intimate basis. So once you accept that they’re trying to die, the question to consider is: How do you deal with it?

As for any moment you kill some Australian wildlife with your rolling tonne of naked steel, there is etiquette you must obey. Firstly, stop the car well off the side of the road. Give yourself space to easily open your door and walk out without being in the way of the next semi-trailer rolling down the highway. They can’t stop and will clean you up in less time than it takes to think “Those headlights are quite high off the ground”. Next you must find the body of the animal you have hit. If you can’t find it after searching for a few minutes, then you can wipe your forehead and feel happier that your karma is a little lighter. If you find it and it’s still alive, but cannot walk, crawl or fly; then you’re going to have to grow a pair and finish the job. Sounds cruel? No. Cruel is leaving a dying animal by the side of the road to spend its final hours in agony unable to see its family one last time or watch that video it recorded last week and never got back to. Kindness here involves a heavy object and a sharp skull fracture.

Now some people like to whinge and moan and try to carry the kangaroo to one of the many animal shelters around the country that look after injured animals. That being said, if you do find yourself with a dead mother and living joey in her pouch, you should take it to the animal shelter; the joeys often recover and get released back into the wild. Now I’ve talked to many people who’ve worked with these shelters and here’s a hint I’ll pass on to you. If the animal is so badly hurt it cannot move by itself, the chances are the moment your car turns back onto the highway, they’re going to be finishing the job for you. Animals hurt that badly won’t recover. All you’re doing is trying to make yourself feel better by passing the responsibility to someone else; you selfish git. Keep one thing in mind; they’re trying to die, you’re only helping them out.

So let’s assume you have identified a fresh kangaroo corpse courtesy of a short stop at the end of your bumper bar. It’s not moving, there’s probably blood everywhere and the local people would be deciding how to cook it (why use a spear when a car works better). Get it off the road. Way off the road and into whatever vegetation is near. If you’re in the desert, you’re probably in a 4WD and don’t need to be told any of this; you’ve hardened the fuck up already. The reason you get it off the road is that the next average car flying around a corner at a hundred k’s and hour can use a kangaroo tail as a neat launching ramp to oblivion. Now go and poke at that tail to understand what I mean, it’s solid muscle with a core of bone, it may as well be a speed bump. A Red kangaroo tail IS a frickin speed bump. The rest of the body acts in a similar way, but is more likely to get picked up on a tyre, get wrapped around the axle and send the car sliding into an anthill. You have killed the animal, clean up the mess so that nobody else has to suffer.

The last thing to keep in mind is that kangaroos are also delicious. If you’ve killed one by the side of the road, you could at least do the right thing and eat it. Of course, if you’re a bit uncomfortable with gutting and skinning your dinner, you can just buy the meat in almost any supermarket. Either way, while you’re preparing it you can consider that perhaps they are selflessly offering their flesh to you as food when they leap in front of your car.

Quiet dog or zen master?

Maybe countless generations ago they learned the selflessness of Buddhist compassion and are trying to teach us.  I’m sure every time a pack of dingoes pulled one down for dinner they felt like they were partaking in some kind of spiritual experience; but didn’t want to tell their mates about it in case they sound a bit weird. I wonder what dingo for “Cease to grasp” sounds like. Oh no, I have it… dingoes are actually zen Buddhists, which is why they don’t bark. We should learn from their example and comprehend this fundamental lesson purely by sharing with them the enlightening experience of kangaroo flesh. Oh, and for the vegetarians out there; studies have shown that kangaroo IS a vegetable. At least they act like one.

My leg is made from vegetables sir, please try it.

The only tricky thing with kangaroo steaks is that you must cook it quickly and properly. Leaving it on the barbie too long results in something with the texture and flavour of burnt car tyres. If you manage to chew your way through a piece, you will wish you hadn’t. My top recipe recommendation is to find yourself a healthy rosemary bush and trim off some of the older and drier stems. Then cut them into nice satay length skewers and thread diced kangaroo meat onto them. Leave the rosemary leaves intact so that the kangaroo becomes steeped in the flavour as you cook it. Coat them lightly in olive oil and then chuck them on your barbecue grill at a medium heat. They will be done in five minutes, so pay attention and turn once. If you’re out in the countryside with your ‘roo body, you can consider the aboriginal style of cooking which involves throwing the whole thing onto hot coals for a few hours. The tail is especially good cooked this way.

So there you go! Dealing with kangaroos made easy for you by your local Territorian advocate of eating your enemy. At the end of the day its us or them. Man.

But can he stand up to one tonne of naked steel?